← My friend is not doing well

Engage with your friend

It is then up to you to come to them: ask them to join you in a nice place where you can talk quietly (go for a coffee for example). You can ask them how the last few weeks have gone and share your observations.

If your friend does not want to discuss this with you, do not insist. Tell them that the door is always open and that if they feel the need, they can come to you to talk about their struggles.

Take a few minutes in a quiet place to discuss it with them. If you don't have time at that point, make an appointment to talk about it later, explaining that you have heard their difficulties but that you prefer to talk about it quietly, when you are really available.

Don't hesitate to talk about the signs you've noticed lately to show that you care.

When one of your friends is not doing well, your role is not necessarily to find a solution to their problem. This would be hard to achieve and could put both of you in a tight spot.

On the other hand, you can help and support your friend by sharing with them a moment when you're listening without judgment. This is very important and matters! Being there for your friend, being attentive to their well-being and really listening will show that they matter to you.

But how can you really listen?

It is important to find a suitable, quiet, comfortable place and to allow enough time to talk without being interrupted or disturbed. If you don't have time to really listen to your friend, suggest another time when you will be more available.

This open and non-judgmental attitude is not easy to have, because we all have biases that influence our interpretations and reactions, without us realising it. For example, we may not understand why our friend is having a hard time and react awkwardly.

For your listening to be beneficial, you must accept your friend's difficulties as they are, respecting their way of experiencing them, without judging. Be careful never to minimise their experience, their situation and their emotions.

Be careful with your verbal and non-verbal language, which could give the impression that you are not paying attention or that you are not interested in what your friend is telling you (for example, by being on your phone at the same time). To best help your friend, you should make yourself fully available to them for about ten minutes and listen without cutting them off.

Try to show empathy, i.e. your ability to understand and perceive the other person's emotions. This does not mean feeling distress in response to your friend's distress: it means perceiving their distress, giving them the space to express it and showing in your response that you have understood their emotional state. Here are some examples of how you can show empathy:

Simply listening with kindness and empathy to your friend in difficulty is an essential form of support.

If your friend indicates that they are sad, anxious or tired, it is important to welcome their emotion in an open and non-judgmental way and validate their emotional experience, sending back to them that you feel sorry for them and that you understand their feelings in this situation.

If your friend does not express an emotion explicitly but you feel that they are not well, you can also share the emotion you think you can identify or ask them what emotions they are feeling.

To be sure you have understood what they are going through, you can summarise the situation as you understand it. This allows your friend to feel listened to, to be able to clarify certain things if they wish and to correct any misunderstandings.

Asking questions that don't have yes/no answers will help your friend to open up and talk to you more.

When supporting a friend in distress, remember to take care of your own mental health as well. To do so, you can visit this page.

Once your friend has confided in you, it is important that you stay in touch with them. To do so, feel free to check up on them, to ask how they are doing and if their situation has changed. This shows your friend that they are supported and that you care about them and their well-being. It is up to you how often you want to do this. Think about really listening to your friend again, telling them about the resources available to them or doing small things to help them on your own.

You know your friend well: their interests, what they like...You can suggest doing things they like to help them take care of themselves.

For example, you can suggest that they go out, go to the cinema, go for a walk in the park, go to eat at your place, play football, bake something, go to a concert in a café... This can motivate them and give them the breathing space they really need.

If your friend doesn't feel like doing anything and prefers to stay alone, you can suggest looking at this page together: perhaps they will be more inclined to do a little outing or activity together after using it.

You can also ask them how you can help them at your level: they may be able to tell you what would be good for them and be more willing to ask for your help. Suggest that they do things that do not make it difficult for you to meet your own needs and responsibilities. These suggestions should be suitable for both of you.

If your friend is not doing well, this is also the time to remind them how important to you and awesome they are. Out of modesty, we don't always tell our loved ones how we feel, but certain words can help a lot when we are not doing well.

Feel free to remind them of their qualities, their successes, what you like about them. If it is difficult for you to say it out loud, you can tell them in writing. 

When things are not going well, physical touch with someone you like can be very comforting (like when you are a child and need to be reassured in your parents' arms). Wrapping your arm around their shoulder, patting them or giving them a hug can make a difference. If you are comfortable sharing physical contact with your friend, you can ask them if they are OK with it. Respect their answer either way.

If your friend refuses your help, accept their rejection and leave them alone for as long as necessary. You can't help your friend if they don't want you to. You may feel hurt or frustrated by their refusal, but it is up to them to decide whether or not to accept your help. By offering to help, you have done what you can to support your friend. You can take care of yourself now by visiting this page.